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11/18/02
I'm very very very very happy.  This happiness has started last night at around 12 a.m. when Matt imed me on instant messenger.  It's been about six months since I've actually talked to him like this.  I was going to call him and I did but no one picked up (forgot about the time difference) and I got nervous just thinking about calling him.  So I wrote him a letter, telling him most everything on my mind on one page.  That was Friday.  Sunday morning he imed me.  I was sooo glad to hear from him.  

I've been trying very hard to get over him because really, I had to move on.  I started dreaming of other possibilities, other men...I dated, but dating is hopeless around here.  (per semester, I average two men--not very proud of how many hearts I break, but I just can't give myself to them the way they want me to because it doesn't feel right in my heart.  Talking to Matt last night made me realize, that he was the only one I really felt comfortable around enough to love.  The only one I can see myself commiting to.  The only one I could accept for all the flaws and strengths.

We talked about deeper things than small talk...and I was surprised because he initiated it.  Usually it was I who did that.  He's grown up sooo much.  He told me that a drunkard tried to pick a fight with him, but he just commanded him to go home and he got confused.  Really smart!  I would have fought back, or dodged the attacks until he slumped over in drunkenness.  

Oh yeah, the deeper things.  He was the glue who held everyone together...and he asked me how I was doing and what was new and all that...and he wanted something more than small talk.  I pretty much said most things in the letter, so I didn't say much, only even smaller talk like where you can get sticky buns, how the group dynamics have changed.  Yep, he was the glue that held everyone together, and then he passed that mantel on to me...but I'm sooo tired, I say, I don't even have time for myself, and I'm never around anymore.  I like being a lone wolf I say, I'm independent, and I like my freedom.  He acknowledged being social glue his gift.  (= Matt's changed sooo much.  I've changed so much.  Everyone's changed so much--Adapt, he says.  

If only it were that easy.  If only people didn't have to be in such a tight group to be friends.  If only I can be myself and still be a part of the group: be my own person, do my own thing, and still be a part.  But the group says, you gotta eat most lunches and dinners together and go shopping together, meaning you have to be available on a constant basis, and watch movies together and hang out together to talk about nonsense.  I no longer have the luxury or time to waste...then what happens when we start living on our own in different parts of the world?  Does that mean the end?  

My circle of friends are still my circle of friends.  We live in different places and live our own different lives, but we're still a circle of friends.  We only live through e-mail and phone calls and letters.  We're tight like that.  Why can't people here be like that??

Then what made everything start to fall into place was when he expressed his wish to move back here.  

I don't know if he'll actually make it, but it'll give me something to look forward to.  How will I meet him?  I wanna run to him and give him a big hug (would kiss him if he were my boyfriend...but at this time, he's more into the group than in a girlfriend)  I probably won't run: too conservative.  

Theresa said I'd been given a second chance, and this time, when the time is right, when there's nothing on my mind and the path becomes clear, I should go for it.  I've got nothing more to lose, she says, and she's right.

I've long given up trying to be tough and brave and man-like in independence and self-sufficiency.  I turn away from the movie now when it gets scary, and I jump also.  I'm realizing, I can still be feminine and independent and self-sufficient.  I"m realizing that it's ok to accept my weaknesses and strengths, that it's not ok to pretend I have strengths that I don't really have...courage?

I don't know how that'll affect Hwarang Do.  I wanna take it for the fighting, not the tumbling.  I hate tumbling and flipping over and getting flipped over.  It really really scares me.  I'm fine though with basic sparing and kicking and punching, and tackling.  That's all for me!  I guess that's why I liked Arnis sooo much....plus, I can't commit: it's too demanding because it expects that it's philosophies and wisdoms become an integral part of my life, and that I don't want 'cause it's just not me to live by the way of Hwarang Do.  I'm more of an Arnis girl.  

Green Banana: Square One