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11/14/02
My studio teacher is a cynical bastard...I don't feel like he supports me, and I feel like he just zaps my self-confidence.  On the other hand, it's good that he's testing me...and as of yet, I'm failing.  I am losing my self-confidence.  It's not fun.  

I came into studio today, feeling like on top of the world...all I wanted were compliments, but you can only get that from him outside studio, ifyou take up his time to discuss your project.  Other than that, he's curt and right to the point, he won't give me any direct answers, but a direction.  He questions everything, I find sooo stupid, but it flusters me, so I find it difficult to answer.  Basically, if I keep my cool, I won't get flustered and so, that's all I gotta do.  And I can only keep my cool, if I keep my self confidence...and that's harder said than done.  

Sometimes I wish I were stronger.

Veronica came over today!  I don't mind her visiting me any time because she's a really good friend and I was soooo happy to see her!!  Check this out, we don't call, we don't visit as much, and we don't write, but we're still friends, and that's all that matters.  The friends at my dorm I hang out with, we see each other all the time, but I can't consider them my really really good friends because I can't talk to them like I talk to Vero, like I talk to Siti, like I talk to Theresa and Kristina...well, sometimes I can do that with Nathan, but it's sooo touchy.  I still believe Nathan likes me, and it makes it kinda hard to get close to him because I don't like him that way, and I don't wanna lead him on.  Chris, is just too "American" for me, as in whenever I'm with him, I can only do with the small talk--no deep shit, because he's a guy--might think differently of me.  Like with girls, I can go into that deep stuff, and get all mushy and all and they'll be supportive.  Guys would feel weird, and not know how to handle it and become uncomfortable and cold (except gay guys 'cause they understand...I wish guys would act gay...)  

I am American, but at the same time, I'm not American.  I don't particularly like Americans because I was taught that we were better than Americans in many more ways than one, so I often looked down on them as being thoughtless, inconsiderate, airheads.  Well, there are a few Americans who are not that thoughtless, but the smart Americans were often soo detached and heartless.  I guess it's 'cause in my culture, we're more in touch with emotion and stuff when we talk to each other, but in America, emotions are downplayed....so you'd talk to an American, and she'll talk back in such an apathetic manner.  So I wonder, can I ever ever befriend an American, like truly befriend one??

But back to studio: I think I'll need a bigger, stronger ego...but at the same time, I do not wish to think everyone else is below me...I don't wanna hate Americans anymore.  I wanna love America--but I just can't seem to find the heart to do so.  Maybe I'll need a change in perspective because I know every bad thing about America, but I don't know anything good...

Back to studio...yeah, I'llneed a bigger stronger ego.  I need to be more confident.  I shouldn't let doubt cloud my thought.  I'm going to do something, and I will do it.  It's my will, my plan, my everything.!  I'm going to give it my all.  My spirit came back to me: my muse.  My confidence came back to me last Tuesday past midnight, and I'm not going to loose her again.

Green Banana: Square One