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11/13/02
~~Galang uses art to overstate the moods the character is going through throughout the story.  She also uses art to note what it is the character is lacking, just as she used Milagros to illustrate what Nelda lacked and vice versa.  The voluptuous characters, the fact Ana only painted people alone, and what Ana found interesting about the photographs of couples she saw, indicated that she lacked a relationship with the one person who is fitted just for her, a relationship like the photo she looked at where the "...bodies overlapped, and if it were not for the definition of their muscles, one would not be able to tell his leg from hers, the place where his torso began and hers ended."  

This story, for me, was really good, because it suggests that a relationship between a man and woman is something more than the word "love" alone can define.  


I would have also liked to add that I'm like Ana in the story, the only difference is that when I'm confused and unsure about something, I don't elope and I push the guy away--really really far away.  So far boy-girl relationships had been totally confusing to me, especially here.  Almost all the guys I've dated so far wanted something more out of the first date than I'm willing to give them, because that's the way it works over here.  Have sex, then get close.  I'm different.  Get close, then maybe have sex.  Their emphasis is on sexual pleasure.  My emphasis is on getting connected in mind and thought--sexual pleasure is something to be learned over time, not a one night stand.  (I know I'd be lousy because I've never had sex before, so it'd be nice if the guy would be able to see pass the first time and realize my potential to be an exquisite lover <----that,I'm totally sure about.  Well, this would only happen if the dude knew me well enough and loved me well enough.)

And all guys ever know here is small talk.  They're afraid to go deep (until they've gotten physically deep).  And should they go deep, I wouldn't know because the way they say it sounds like they're not really being serious.  All guys ever know here also is sex talk.  Never talk sex before a conservative female virgin unless she is ready and willing to lose her virginity!  

Before, relationships were such a chore, only for looks, no real deep meaning behind it and anything.  Bull shit.  Guys were just walking meal tickets (what did you think I was going to say?) or pets that require a lot more attention than my homework load can ever let me have.  Then, I added on to the definition of a boyfriend, by rationalizing that no one ever really needs one.  You want love?  Your parents love you.  You want sex?  Hire a male gigalo!  You want someone to talk to and share your mind with? A best friend is one soul in two bodies.  And my best friend did tell me that there was something more to it than this...something a boyfriend can do that family, friends, or prostitutes won't be able to do...I wonder...could it be love?

Love in English is such an incomplete definition of its essence.  It's way too polite.  It must then be Mahal or Ibig, words that reach deep into the heart and soul of the matter.  Love just skims the surface.  

Now that I know what I want in a relationship, I gotta stop giving guys second chances 'cause I'll look like I'm a) a user, b) confused, c) truly in love, d) desperate, or e) easily taken with pity (and that I am...I should stop being so merciful and compassionate sometimes).  Especially now when I've decided that I'm not ready yet...but I guess I'm also either adventurous, bored, or both to prolong a relationship I should have ended a long time ago.  Or maybe it was frustration, anger, revenge, and confusion, at being pressured to do something I don't wanna do.  

Sometimes, I think I should have been born a Scorpio, because I do have a stinger chuck full of poison.  

Green Banana: Square One