Green Banana: Square One |     home
Confusion... on my part    11/13
11/11/02
Matisse was some artist....

Anyways.  Just as expected, Sis shut down her site.  My bad.  I understand now that people who blog just want other people to read and understand and sympathize.  They only want a sympathetic ear!  But on the internet, how do you know whether people have visited your blog and how do you know if they'll listen??  It doesn't matter because what matters is that whatever was on the mind was set free...that's what diaries are for though...Journals, Diaries, whatever, I can only truly write as me when I know for sure that no one will read what I write...and maybe that's why I can't speak as well as I write.  I'm always the quiet one in any group consisting of three or more people (I talk more one on one, and when I'm comfy with the person...bringing me to my next issue on mind)

I'm not feeling too good myself, because I'm still a kid in the end.  The relationship's still fresh so it's hard to stay "just friends."  But really, I shouldn't have a problem because I promised myself even before I went to the party that whoever I meet will not be the one.  Just friends just friends just friends...but I never counted on falling...And he hurts me so with his preference for white girls and his love for all that is western and all that is white.  And it pisses me off that he keeps on going back to the race issue, and sometimes, we see things in such a different way, it's sometimes frustrating trying to connect.  But I find myself in the afternoon grabbing a bite to eat with him.  We're just friends.  

And in the back of my head while he speaks, my better side, the one that's not all drugged up with L'amour, keeps asking me why the hell did I ever fall for this guy?  I know nothing will ever happen.  I knew this before I met him.  I know this right now, but knowing this doesn't change the way I feel.  I need an anti-love potion, one that won't have to resort to hatred because I wanna be more mature than I really am!  I wanna grow up!!!!  Be an adult whose only problems will be what I'm going to eat and where I'm going to work, and payment for the car and the apartment.  Would also like more discipline and self-control also.  

Sometimes it sucks knowing all things and not really knowing what to do with it.  Maybe I need more wisdom in that department.  I shouldn't push it, but I can't wait till I'm over this phase!

So I wanna keep him as a friend, but it's hard to be friends because of damned feelings, and for that, I just wanna take a break and get rid of all this poison (will take a long time as it usually does with me), but I don't want to lose him....it's easier to just lose him though.  Yeah...I think I'll do that.  Just drop him and not see him and not talk to him until after a really really long time has passed...Christmas break!!!!  yayayayayaya, only 38 days away---my roommat'es keeping track 'cause she's homesick--dormlife for her sucks because she has all these guy friends she brings over to our dorm, and everyone outside automatically think that they're having sex when they are not!!!  I know what sex smells like from the misfortune of walking in on another friend's roomate, and our room has never smelled like sex ever!  But everyone starts spreading rumors that she's a slut and she's not!  I know what a slut is and what a slut isn't and she's not a slut....damn freshmen.   (the injustice just angers me)

Green Banana: Square One